Try to be funny. No longer funny any more. Try to be sad and regret. But it’s just a drama and an act. When I’m blaming, that’s the real me. At least that’s what I thought, until I get accused. Then I blame something. It turns out I never know. What is the real me. Who is the real me.
When you’re little, if you grow up in a good family, there must be a time where your mother leaves you without telling you. At the first time, you might be confused, feel so empty, afraid, scared, and then crying. You were screaming, “Where are you mother? Why don’t you tell?”. You know it’s a useless act, screaming at someone that doesn’t exist at that time, blaming them who are leaving you without telling. Yeah, you know at that time what you’re doing is futile. But still, you did that at the first time, because you’re normal, that you’re afraid of being alone.
Then someone you’re missing came back, and you were relieved. You get a similar experience again the day after that happened. Maybe you’re still mad, that your mother didn’t tell you where she went. Maybe you still want to cry. But then it happens a lot, and you might get used to it.
You grow up and you get used to be leaved without someone telling. Adolescent hit you with rebel to the world. You want to search for yourself. You pretend that you can do everything all alone. When someone close to you offers something to you, you act like you don’t need anything, like youre strong enough to handle it all alone. That’s when you realize you pretend you don’t need your mother, and sometimes it’s like you act like you need your mother to leave you alone.
It’s the same as loneliness. First you’re afraid of it. Then, you get used to it. It’s not that you get used to it, but you just pretend that you need it. You become alone everyday, pretending that you really need the loneliness. Uncomfortable in front of people or even when you’re alone. You act like you really need that loneliness. You’re not getting used to it, you’re just pretending.
Many people died because of that, the act not to pretend. To act like they don’t need something, pretend like they need something, while actually it’s the opposite. It grows, the feeling of necessity of something. When you still pretend like you need loneliness, you might be living in a miserable way. It’s not miserable at all, but for most people, which is the plain definition of normal, it’s really the worst. But that’s okay, because at least you’re alive.
But when you turn to be someone who really needs the loneliness, that’s when you know that you’re already dead. Many people die because they turn to someone who really needs the loneliness. Because loneliness is the sign of real peace. And real peace is the opposite of living. If you find real peace, it means that you become someone who is no longer human. And I am always afraid to become one.