It’s been 2 weeks since my first internship. I never think about the structure when I write. I just want to write what I want.
I’m delaying my graduation because there is a miscommunication with my lecturer. Actually I can graduate next semester, but since there is a miscom, I can’t graduate next year. And there is something I’m so grateful about this year because this is my first intership. I thought because I have a bad networking, I would start from a small company. But I don’t know I’m so grateful that I have been accepted at tvlk. Thanks to Kampus Merdeka, thanks to my family (I don’t know whether it is nepotism or not, but before I take a technical/coding interview, I suddenly acquintance with my significant others at my sister’s wedding who works as an recruiter at tvlk and he said that he would like to recommended me. I still don’t understand why I made to the interview because I always failed at coding interview, but my technical interview was well and smooth probably.
And here’s the story of myself as an intern.
The first meet with employer branding, we were being doctrinated about the philosophy of tvlk.
“You are the the luckiest student whose got a choice to work at this big company!”
They tell story about ‘Bu Sri’ who is a seller in the tourist destination that get benefit by tvlk. It’s always like that. Some one who is very good with ‘manipulating’ always made stories like that. That when we work at something, they always tell us that we are helping others, directly or indirectly. Many people regard that as positive things to boost your believe and working in such environment. But my nihillistic ass always told me the other side, people person always good at manipulating people, they don’t even realize that they are good at it, or they realize but still don’t want to acknowledge that they are good at it. Romanticizing something to make someone feel bigger than they actually are. Besides, who knows about reality. We won’t tell people that 2+2 is 5. But if it’s benefit them, why not? It’s very bad parable, but fuck it.
When the first day I try to do WFO, it’s more than I expected. The good mentor, positive environment, very good view, cool room, etc. There is a free breakfast, lunch, and there are always food everytime. The flexible hours that they don’t force you to do something. It’s very comfortable, and because it’s very comfortable, I feel so bad at those people who want to work at this kind of environment but didn’t get what they want, and the other hand I philosophically don’t want this, while my physical need always want this. I always pretend that I don’t need these kind of things, while actually I don’t know. I feel like I never feel satisfied.
And this day I was attended the farewell of my senior who is resigned from tvlk. There is a dinner with head of data too. The restaurant, I don’t know for some people but for me it is very expensive, Thailand food. Its hard for me to enjoy the gathering/social things. Small talk, I really hate the small talk. Like they asked, what is your favourite food, what is your hobby, where you’re from. Why talk things like that when you can talk about what is your opion about the independence of Papua, how about the war of Russia and Ukraine, how do you think about globalization like religion and lgbt, what do you think what happened after you die, have you ever feel the urge to kill a person and why is that, what do you hate so much about this world.
It’s unethical and sensitive question for some people. But for me, the small talk really unethical. It’s some kind of part of egoism that we want to understand others, to make other feels good about themselves so they remember us as someone that is matter to be remembered. Enjoying the pricey food, while the other part of the world is in suffering, dying, in war, lack of believe. You can actually see from the positive perspective for example we are moving the local economy and such things. But as you know, this is my fucking cynical perspectives, so you won’t see them at my writing.
Just because we are dancing at good music, it doesn’t mean we are ridicule the deaf and the disabled. I know that. But I still don’t understand why it’s really hard for me to be so gratefull, to enjoy things. Like the feeling I never belong to any places. I’m searching for something I knew it can’t be found. And this is part of my journey to someplace I don’t know.
I feel sorry for everyone when I can’t hide my tiredness and frustation in myself and this world. I want to participate and belong to something, but at the same time, I feel sorry when I just making them feel sorry for me. This feeling again, the feeling like you need to make everyone happy. The stupidest thing in this world that became our urge. I never knew what will I become. But the feeling of isolation, is always making me remember someone that actually should not be remembered.