Always forgot about this, but this Letters to a Young Contrarian by Christopher Hitchens from an atheist dissilutionizing me that whatever your condition is, you need a t least add a humour to that condition. I aware of this things actually, from
, and from One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest that said like this,
“Man, when you lose your laugh you lose your footing.”
I hope that my previos writting has a component of humor. Well if it is not funny, just consider that as a bad joke, and please don’t take my words seriously. Sometimes I just write and don’t care about the impact. That is all about journaling thought. Sometimes I use my record app from phone, but now I’m just too shy because it’s not raining outside. When it is not raining, all your neighbor can hear your voice, your talk to yourself and they might think you as a crazy and lonely man. Even though I know, that my act isolating myself is already made them know that I am a miserable person. But sometimes my mind just make a solution to the problem that doesn’t exist.
What I want to talk primarily is about this longing for love. I read Filosofi Cinta KAHLIL GIBRAN by Fahruddin Faiz and I think that it is not really a good one for. I prefer to listening about him rather than read. I feel like it’s too elementer. I don’t know whether the book is bad or my mind just wondering and can’t focus to that book. But seriously, I really feel like that there’s something struck my head that it is making me hard to focus on something.
When I was a junior high school, I ask my friend about who is the girl he likes in class. And he answered no one. I think he is lying, because since elementary school, I always have a girl that I like. And after I dated for only about 3 girls, I have just realized that my friend was right. That there are a few persons which unfortunate to feel about that thing. I don’t know maybe there’s another factor like from the entertainment from movies, etc etc that makes me lose the ability to have an interested in relationship, because I feel like at that time that it is very boring. Nothing satisfied me except words and imaginations.
I thought I can be an asexual, but it turns out that I am just an incel. I tried as hard as I can to be lord varys, an ‘Eunuch’ that doesn’t have a desire towards sexuality. But I think we need to make a difference between sex and love, I just don’t know and don’t care. It doesn’t work, for me until now. I never have an idealism that can keep forever. Always synthesize by new knowledge, new experience, until I don’t aware that I already don’t have an idealism. Or maybe that I tried to built an idealism, and the process of building that thing is somehow improved by new experience and knowledge I got from a lot of things.
Pandemic is the peak of all my thoughts. It’s freeing me from meeting with people. Making me dull in a lot of skills. But it turns out I can still functional in college, I don’t know how. I surpress my feeling of attraction, I try to keep myself focus to something bigger. But then, the feeling of enjoyment to talk to someone is alreay crush my ideal that I have been trying to built.
Somehow I am longing that love again. the feeling to talk to someone. Or I don’t care whether it is about someone or not, I just need to fulfill that I need to be understood, I need to exist in someone’s mind, whether it’s the false projection of me or not, I dont’care. I just want to try to make people see me as I want to be seen.
And the first thing you can do about it is by surfing on the internet, especially places like reddit, twitter, etc etc.
But I will keep to myself from now, the most crucial things from now is the real life.
I talk a light topics about life and she’s beautiful. It’s already make me hate about myself.
She always comes to my mind. I try to rationalizing this, but I can’t. It disturbing me whenever I want write my useless thesis.
I know it is not realistic that she want me as much as I want her. But I want to try. This loser trying to find some love. I need to be rejected to focus more on something destined for me. But what is it exactly? I don’t know man, it’s full of bias. And maybe I have an overexpectation about her, and then I will gonna be disappointed. But I don’t care, there’s always a way to the next. To hell with my expectation and her expectation. The problem is she’s beautiful and I need to tell her that I can’t stop thinking about her. And to minimizing risk, I will tell her, thingking about her is not a romantic thing. It’s somehow intelligent, that I want to curse her, I want to gather data and information, the exploration of the strong of the weak ties, maybe I can try to offer her something. And I can rebuild myself to be better, I don’t know. For now I just want to tell her, why she always be beautiful, and it is disturbs me a lot.
Comfortability can be likened to magic, capable of bringing solace or wielding poison, its effects unpredictable. The struggle to maintain control amidst its sway is palpable, especially when intertwined with elusive notions like beauty. It’s as though one is drawn towards the allure of beauty, seeking fulfillment solely within its grasp, only to realize that such pursuits often lead to disillusionment.
The desire to awaken from this reverie, to transcend the seductive pull of beauty, feels futile at times, akin to grappling with unseen forces. Despite the allure of novelty, the call to professionalism remains steadfast, urging one to adhere to mundane tasks and resist external distractions.
Various factors contribute to this sense of exhaustion, often stemming from unexpected quarters—material possessions, basic human needs, unfamiliar elements like nutrition and environment, even abstract concepts like feng shui. Perhaps these are not meant to be meticulously analyzed but rather perceived as signals prompting action and resolution.
Yet amidst these complexities, the madness of beauty persists, diverting attention from essential responses to peculiar stimuli.
Her smile, her shyness, her enthusiasm—these qualities resonate deeply, signaling a connection beyond mere chance encounters. Despite the awareness of the importance of embracing diverse perspectives, forging meaningful connections remains a challenge. It’s a personal struggle to unlock the essence of every individual encountered, often leading to self-doubt.
However, amidst this chaos, the encounter with you brings a sense of solace. It’s a reminder that amidst the turmoil, there exists a glimmer of hope. Despite feeling inadequate, the prospect of understanding you better is a beacon of light.
Do distractions plague your pursuits, I wonder? Is there a fragment of me in your thoughts, just as you occupy mine? The thought is disconcerting, disrupting the fragile equilibrium I strive to maintain.
And then there’s the lingering question—do you have a lifelong confidant, a friend of the soul?
The fear of redundancy looms large, overshadowing the fragile hope of acceptance. Rejection, though anticipated, remains a bitter pill to swallow. Yet amidst conflicting emotions, there lies a sliver of possibility—a hypothesis that defies logic, daring to envision acceptance where none seems probable.
Thus, I pose a simple query, demanding genuine introspection:
When you engage in your pursuits, is it out of passion or obligation? Is this the path you envision traversing for a lifetime?
Should you choose to engage in discourse, may I venture to become your lifelong companion?
Misalkan kita semua ingin meratapi kemungkinan bahwa barangkali cinta itu bukan untuk siapa saja, tapi hanya untuk ia yang mencoba. Mungkin kita akan tenggelam dalam bentuk pahitnya rasionalitas. Rasionalitas itu terbatas katanya, karena itu hanyalah rasio dari yang dapat kita jangkau. Maka saat terdapat asumsi bahwa semuanya terbatas, pencarian yang memungkinkan hanyalah pencarian akan cinta. Tak ada definisi yang pasti, tapi cinta itu sebenarnya dapat sedikit dijelaskan oleh rasio. Banyak sedikitnya itu sekali lagi tidak diketahui ukurannya apa. Dalam hal itu semua metode cara berpikir akan usang, sia-sia belaka semua usaha pencarian. Tapi sekali lagi, sia-sia itu apa ukurannya? Struktur data nya bagaimana?
Asumsikan struktur datanya adalah stack, maka begitu menakjubkannya hidup ini karena terdapat stack tak terhingga di dalam stack tidak terhingga. Orang yang merasa semuanya sia-sia apakah dapat dikategorikan sebagai stack overflow, kondisi dimana penyimpanan tidak dapat menampung lagi hal baru dan penambahan hal baru dilakukan secara terus menerus hingga sulit dilakukan pengurangan hal-hal yang ada pada stack orang tersebut. Tapi mustahil berada dalam kondisi tersebut karena begitu banyak orang lain yang dapat menampung hal-hal baru lebih dari orang tersebut. Sekali lagi, ini hanyalah spekulasi, masalahnya adalah seberapa banyak hal baru dan kapasitas setiap stack pada setiap orang itu bagaimana mengukurnya.
Memang paling mudah adalah membentuk suatu dugaan, bahwa mungkin terdapat suatu virus atau bug yang memasuki stack, sehingga merusak stack tersebut yang mengakibatkan stack tersebut dilakukan retensi oleh stack tak terhingga yang lebih besar. Yang sudah dapat dipastikan adalah tidak ada keabsolutan suatu metode. Maka dengan adanya dugaan bahwa cara berpikir itu mirip seperti stack itu tidak dapat dipertanggung jawabkan.
Maka langkah selanjutnya yang paling mudah, yang lebih dapat dipertanggung jawabkan dibandingan dengan dugaan adalah, membatasi dugaan. Secara fisik manusia sejauh ini telah dapat mencapai begitu banyak hal dengan pembatasan. Tapi saat batasan dihancurkan, muncul lagi kegelisahan yang tidak dapat dipadamkan, terkait jiwa, terkait dogma, terkait cinta, terkait berbagai dugaan dan batasan yang kita tetapkan. Maka paling mudah dan menyenangkan hanyalah pencarian akan cinta, suatu yang sulit dirasionalkan secara menyeluruh, tapi dengannya kita dapat menghindar dari mempertanyakan hal-hal melampaui batas.
i remember pak mus, my Indonesian teacher in elementary school. there was a task for my class of +- 20 students, to make a poem with a love category, and we need to continue our part based on the previous student who wrote it. i forgot who really gave us the task, but what i remember, i wrote this,
“tanpa cinta, hidup terasa hampa”
pak mus has a heavy javanese accent. he pronounces indonesia as “inddonesa” with medok style. the majority of my classes are sundanese students and of course that was funny. my class always mocks him, when he walks toward us, we usually scream, “inddonesa inddonesa”. he got frustrated being bullied by us until he resigned from our school.
i remember him when I read this somehow. love is still bullshit for me, because how can an islamic private school students bombard an innocent teacher like that, but it is still funny though. i hope he does well right now.
what is love? baby don’t hurt me ~