So let’s explored my history. This is very subjective, have characteristic of psychoanalysis, and justification of my wrongdoing to my family. About daddy isues: My dad went to Iran when I was a baby if I’m not wrong, and he cameback when I was before kindergarten. I still close with my family. When I was in elementary school, my mother went to Hajj and at that time maybe I’m kind of struggling, but I think there’s no really an effect on my development.
(first grade elementary school or kindergarten I forgot) My father for the first time came to internet café with me. I googled a lot of things, basically I just download pictures like Naruto, cartoon, and games from GBA in my computer. My father is actually is like Jung Hwan’s father from reply 1988, always making dad jokes. I usually make a phone call with friends and facebooking, talked about random things. Maybe I learn to lie from that age when playing facebook. I still remember my teacher on my SDIT (elementary school) warn my class about lying about age in order to play facebook. I simply don’t care. The best time of my life I think when I was in elementary school in terms of hilarious happines.
Good friends, good family, until at that time when I was going to my friend’s house after halaqoh (memorizing quran and reciting quran), it’s my first time watching porn. I remember the video until now, about a blonde girl with jeans, there’s a guy who put off her clothes, and I hug my friend from behind to imagine that scene (im not gay, I just imagined a woman in that scene.) After that sometimes I googled nude pictures etc. My sister caught me I was searching, “Ronaldo dan pacarnya sexy”, at that time I knew that I should remove histroy after browsing.
My relationship with family is ruined after I went to JHS. I was a gamer, my father and my brother don’t like me playing games. My father caught the chat room in lost saga full of dirty and rough words, and he angry to me. I defend myself that I am not followed those kind of bad behaviours, I just play games to have fun and making friends. I feel like my father losing trust for me. Beside that, my father busy to work, my brother and sister busy with their own college and life, my mother can’t keep up with my school or internet life. And somehow I become stranger to my family, I am afraid that if I told them my liberal views from a lot of reading from webs and blogs and books, they will disappointed to me (my family is conservative who is active in PKS ‘islamic political party’). Then, I had been keeping to myself until now.
In senior high school my relationship is not better, I tried to study out of the city, and they never confront me even I always looks unhappy. They asked about me, and I just don’t know how to communicate, I have been doing silent treatment to my family. I feel like become who I really am only when I was on the internet and digital life, yes, it’s the fantasy they it is the real me. I never genuine and authentic, I just live as what I think people expect from me.
The simple thing I hate about my parents is when they accuse pram works as a communist. The doctrine from soehartos and the gangs really works on them, or when they really hate chinese because they are rich and powerful. I feel like it’s a futile to confront them, Islamic doctrine is already under my skin, and I can’t make a debate with my parents. I just keep quiet, hard to smile in front of my family. The funny thing is when I was with others, I can easily lying to be cheerful etc, but when I was alone with my own family, I feel like I can’t fake my smile, I feel like I can’t lie to my own blood. And the contradiction is I actually more enjoy alone, I feel like I can be free and happy by being alone (only in fantasy and assumptions to justify my stupidity to build relationship with others). I like singing alone, practice talking in recording, watching meme/movies/anime/series/korean drama, laughing and crying reading from some writtings, etc.
Yes, that’s only the worst part. Basically they are providing me always enough and abundance in terms of physical things. But in terms of mental, emotion, spiritual, I can’t help myself or my family. I don’t want to be understood and I don’t want to try to tell them about my burdening thoughts or fellings. I wish I can cut the ties from this perfect family, but I’m too coward to do that because I’m afraid of become durhaka to my families, but on the other hand I have a very different views/persepectives/representations about this worlds them that I am afraid to share to them. So this is some aspects that make me not really close to my family. I am still working on it. The first option is to be a fully muslim that is fill my families expectations, but of course I can’t do that. Second is I try to tell them about my thoughts and the real me, but I am afraid that it’s making them disappointed. Other choice is to repressed this thoughts, keep living like this unauthentically, wait until someone’s dead, or kill myself, I don’t know.