A few little things are affecting me. I missed Zuhr prayer due to an irrational thought process. I’m atheist, I scream to myself. But that scream is usually just a lie. There’s always a burden feeling when I miss my prayer.
My sleep schedule is messed up. In Depok, it’s always hot, and I can’t sleep early. Sometimes I listen to random YouTube videos, audiobooks, or Al-Mathurat, but it doesn’t work well for me. I don’t want to use an air conditioner because of global warming (and I’m on a tight budget), and an electric fan isn’t effective either.
I wish Depok had public transportation and a night climate like Jakarta, or even Cimahi. A couple of months ago, I went to Kuningan, and the air felt so fresh. I could sleep comfortably there without air conditioning. Here in Depok, I struggle to fall asleep. I make a schedule to sleep by 9 PM, but I end up scrolling through Twitter or Instagram and fall asleep at 1 or 2 AM.
I’m lost and need help creating a routine. I want to have a routine like a Muslim, doing Tahajjud and going to the mosque for each prayer, even though I don’t know the specifics. If God exists, the only thing I would pray for is for my family to forget me, to not have to remember they have a devilish youngest son, so I wouldn’t feel pressured to live a lie.
I don’t have the same desires as most people. I convince myself that I just want the truth, that I don’t care about happiness (of others or myself), and that I don’t need to be happy. I hate pretending to laugh when someone tells a joke I don’t understand, but at the same time, I do it so they at least feel like they can make someone happy. It bothers me that I have to force myself to laugh at dark jokes about disabled people, poor people, or people in war zones. I only want to laugh when I genuinely find something funny.
There’s a conflicting memory of my friend reciting Quran. I remember the moment my friend recited Quran, and I suddenly cried. I think it was a genuine moment of emotion. I don’t know what I felt about my friend at the time, maybe I found his voice beautiful, or the verses seemed rhythmic. The truth is, I’ve lost the ability to enjoy things like that anymore. I don’t understand the meaning of the Quran, and the rhythm doesn’t seem beautiful to me anymore, unlike when I was in elementary school.
I miss a simpler time. Back then, I didn’t know the “benefits” of memorizing Quran, but I still enjoyed it. I memorized Juz 30 and 29, tested myself with my teacher, participated in religious discussions, competed with my friends about silly things, and just enjoyed being a kid. What I’ve come to realize is that rationality feels like a curse to me. It makes me lose the ability to enjoy things in a simple way. This is the real reason I cried when my friend recited Quran, but I don’t want him to know that.
I’m struggling with honesty and the meaning of life. There’s a dilemma: be brutally honest or pretend that the world is amazing and full of happiness. I try to convince myself that I need to “save” religion by hiding my doubts and hypocrisy, but it never works. Then I think I need to destroy religion, not preserve it.
I don’t find comfort in typical ideas of heaven and hell. The song “Imagine” by John Lennon irritates me. The idea of pluralism, where people from different religions can unite, seems naive. Heaven and hell might be different places, but the worst pain is emotional suffering. If you haven’t experienced true mental anguish and still think physical pain is worse, come talk to me.
I question the purpose of suffering and eternal rewards. When you lose all hope due to life’s hardships, what’s the point of eternal torture? If all desires are constantly satisfied, wouldn’t everything become repetitive and boring?
I’m lost and need help finding myself. I don’t know who I am or what I want. I just want to be free from this burden. I don’t care if people remember me; I just want peace.