tfw one step away from istidraj state, but it is war with your doa ibu. so instead of enjoying all kenimatan duniawi, you are instead given pain so that you hit rock bottom to question all of ur unethical behaviour
2024-02-23
I hate clerk work.
I hate BAU user request typical works.
I hate work for others.
I hate work with an incompetent boss.
I hate work with someone that is self-complacent.
I hate work with someone who has no sense of improvement.
someone who doesn’t ask or give feedback.
someone who can’t work independently.
manager who always ask his engineer and can’t build knowledge management.
2024-03-04
The AI shown us, arrival fallacy
Somebody’s heaven is somebody hell.
I should apologize to masochist people because ease the suffering and pain from all people. Make them happy.
If I pray everyone to be happy, then the funding to the researcher who research about happiness will become delayed. Or no one really think like Schopenhauer about the happiness
Some depressed guy would trade their condition with the dead in Palestine.
To laugh or to be bitter is just doesn’t matter. We judge and value something with no objective value.
And when we no longer see any value. What kind of question would you ask to ourselves, as the question assume any value we hold.
And the question what would you do if money/material things won’t matter because you assume self-actualization is transcend the material things.
I am a loser to the level of acceptance. Some said you should actualize your ideas, and to fail to gain profit from your idea is considered as failure, afraid of commitment. But let me show you, the one that speak that is one who can’t bear the world of imagination, those are the one who can only live in the actualize material world. They are the loser here in the world of ideas. You may say the world of ideas is just unreal delusion. But le me ask you, why the people in the real world right now try to build all of those delusional imagination world. Half of it, we’ve already built it. Why goes towards it, why goes to the world where it is the idea of madman? Why are you so afraid that you won’t achieve the ideal world. Some already give up to actualize their dream, they fall into idealism that is ruin their that time present condition. It’s not about winning or losing, but can’t you see that who is really afraid is a practical man that can only measure everything based on material things.
2024-06-22
i dream about nabila again.
i have just realize i go to univ not because i want to, its because i am told to do.
i not choose the major i really interested, i choose it because im afraid become poor and jobless.
i work not because i want to, but because im afraid im looked useless by people.
every choose and decision i make is mostly because im afraid of what is social construct.
and it leave me become miserable.
now i quit the mundane job i got, now i say no to people i have no respect. now i become unemploye, i try to break frmo all of these things that makes me miserable.
i try to ask myself everyday, if money isnt an issue, what will i gonna do. its been 3 months and i still could find the answer.
i try to ask question what im valuing most, and i dont really know about. i understand that value and meaning is subjective human creation.
and now i am circling here, dont know what to do, dont know what i want. it makes me miserable too.
then i see time.fun. everything seems like can be tokenized. i hope someone create token that tokenize my misserableness, but i think it will have no value since it could become infiinity.
but as you see, in this era of speculation, people can do long on short of everything, my miserable could fluctuate, perhaps i could make it as little as possible so it become scarce, and only the meaningful and valueable misserable that exist, so perhaps it could become valuable?
and when people start trade short my miserableness to the point of it doesnt exist, what people get in returns. will they get a lot of loss? but i must assure, that my misserable must have a value, it wont go to 0 or to become void
i understand i must choose miserable that is valuable to be exchanged by miserable that is not valuable. for that i believe my misebrable could be trade, its dynamic, its struggle, its beauty, i believe it could be trackd eternally in our digital world. to prove that i have miserable that is beautiful.
2024-06-24
its 6 pm, my sister went home, she told a story that she use 50 thousand rupiah for buy a food that cost 4 thousand rupiah, then suddenly my mother complain, i forgot the detail, but then my sister just got mad about my mom’s complaining. my father then worsening the situasion by stressing, “if you tell story to mother, what she can do is only to look the negative aspects on it!”. my mother then mad again, “then dont tell story, dont communicate!”. my father was planning to go to my grandma in yogya with family, but my mothers then speaks with sad tone after that, “i dont need to follow, im a burden, go yourself, so you can go freely”, then the ultimate of events is occured, for the first time in my life, i hear my mother scream sadly “tolong ngertiin ibu, ibu kan sakit mental”
i feel sorry for herself, i want to hug my mom, but im just a coward. so i just type this shit in my room. will it be better? i dont know. i dont want to live either.
update: after maghrib prayer, we’re just fine. from its so over to were so back
hopeless dan membangkang? kaya orang ga beragama aja. orang indonesia tuh kan mayoritas beragama, harusnya iklas dan nikmatin aja, kan percaya akhirat.
kan banyak ceramah, orang miskin, lemah, dan tidak beruntung lebih gampang masuk “surga”. kelas menengah tuh harus dibuat lebih susah biar makin banyak orang susah, biar lebih gampang masuk surga.
harusnya justru bersyukur dapet pejabat korup yg bikin rakyat miskin dan goblok terus. ngapain demo capek-capek menghina-hina pemerenta, itu semua nafsu dari “setan”.
orang lemah dan miskin gaperlu diselamatkan, yang bisa diselamatkan itu justru orang2 korup, tapi emangnya mau nyelametin orang korup? makanya lebih baik bersyukur aja, go with the flow, dan nikmati terus hidup.
kalo mau memperjuangkan keadilan, kesetaraan, atau apalah itu, itu artinya ngasih lebih banyak kebebasan buat yang kurang beruntung, artinya mereka punya potensi buat jadi lebih korup, saat antum memperjuangkan itu, kalo keadaan tambah korup, artinya antum perlu bertanggung jawab juga.
makanya, pertahankan dan lanjutkan aja kondisi kaya gini. teruslah risk averse, temen tongkronganmu aja ga ada yg demo ngapain demo, mending kerja terus, push rank bareng-bareng, party2, judol, pinjol, pornografi harus ditingkatkan. teruslah berlomba-lomba dalam kebahagiaan, bersyukur, dont worry be happy, YOLO :v
elit2 powerful korup itu adalah juru selamat umat manusia yang harusnya kita muliakan.
pesan utama almarhum yang bund*r kemarin itu sebenernya toa masjid sering berisik ganggu, tapi mayoritas ga pernah sadar -__-
now what? aduh film tolol, bikin aing impulsif resign tanpa backup plan
taunya cari loker cleaning service dengan gaji layak susah bngt.
pleaseee info loker satpam futsal atau marbot masjid dong :"
bjirlah masa aing hidup sbg rentier / portfolio manager dan sejenisnya, hina bngt astaga
2024-07-29
working on something meaningful is hard this days. too many choices, too many doom news, climate crisis, financial crisis, higher uncertainty, generally all higher enthrophy.
paradox of choice could slow down our progress, its making us hard to decide, especially for those who hasnt take enough courage in life, for example is myself, i want to be the example for this.
when choosing the degree, specifically, too many choices, we can see a lot of thigns on the internet, everything seems like interesting, there’s much problem to solve, there’s so many potential, if there’s no any, we can create our problem and made us hero that solve the problem.
i choose my degree not because i really like it, but because i afraid of not getting job. at the identity crisis in my teenager life, i simply want to find, what is truth. i got convinced, that if you want to find truth you should go to philosophy, so many “why” question. but i dint take that degree simply because its not practical, i am afraid of the future, i am afraid of something that is hard. i like computer too since i was a kid, and of course i like money. then i hate politics too. so i want to integrate all of them, searching for truth in philosophy, learn computer, looking for how the world works in economy or politics, i want to learn all of them. but then i take side all of it, because i was a loser. i simply want the easy road, so i take information system degree, that is easy to reach.
i want to take everything faster, so i mostly take the short road. after i finished my degree, i have felt the faustian bargaining. tech is oversaturated, the paid is not well for a mediocre. im a mediocre because i dint fully commit in what i learn. then, i realize that i took a high risk low return path for now. i got a first full time meaningless consultant job i hate working with someone i dont admire. only for 8 months i resign.
i realize that today is easy to face the social/peer pressure. esepecially if your not in a insufficiency state.
when your not in survival mode, i really suggest you to get out of something you dont really like, time is precious. even though i still cant find what i really want or focus on, i simply get a calmer state to reflect so i can prepare for the next action. i guarantee it would be painful, leaving your comfort zone, afraid of uncertainty. but by only this way, we can really acheive our meaningful life.
diversification is only works for something follows normal distribution. in living our life, there’s too many chaos, and diversification is not option, sometimes you have to gamble, sometimes you have to all in for something you really hope for. and this day is so easy to face peer pressure.
if youre looked not having a job, or asked by your neighbor or family, you can just simply you work online, if money is not an issue. of course you have to have a proper margin of safety first. and by this you can really try for something you really want to pursue.
if they ask about the detail, just simply answer, i do something like managing portfolio, yes, you perhaps managing only $100 meme coin or something, but it still called manaing portfolio, you can make this up.
or you can say youre doing marketing, affiliate marketing by sharing your referal code in random apps, that just paid $1 for customers you get.
or you can say youre a tester, where you airdrop hunting doing task related to test the network, or share the projects because basically it is all testing, whether its terting the technical aspects, or test the market.
everything is easy now, there’s no excuse for choosing something perforce. there are a lot excuse so you can keep balance id with your superego. but of course what i suggest is tell the truth, tell the truth that your just a lost boy who doesnt value life, you might surprise about they’re respond to you after answer that shit. the real truth is they simply dont care about you, you just have a spotlight effect all this time, no one care about you, that might might be the worse, or best for you though.
2024-07-20
i dream about nabila again. she told me that she is intended to go to hajj, but she because one or more reason she canceled it, one of the reason is because it’s so expensive. i told her, instead of go to hajj, it’s better to create an AI that minimizing the number of muslim (make people murtad) so it makes less demand, so it become cheaper, she laugh beautifully.
2024-08-09
futurist and history enthusiast, not living in survival mode, the endgame would be a lazy productive.
2024-08-23
How can you be productive using Linux when it allows you to spend a lot of time customizing everything? After you feel like you’ve finished, you might end up staring at how cute your desktop environment looks for 30 minutes and end up doing nothing. Then, feeling bored, you start customizing again, and the cycle repeats.
I got lost, found crypto… Now my wallet’s lost too
2024-08-27
2024-08-31 12:44 AM
so its the last day of august. honestly i have no idea what im doing for a month. been trying journaling, i have list all my learning, and most of it is still doing nothing. i learn AI for trading again, and still i have no idea what it is. its so fucked up because the package and dependency is deprecated, lots of library unmaintained so i find it hard to install, the old version. the newest version has difference, there are package like zipline reloaded, but it still pain in the ass to try to learn framework that you dont quite feel that ngmi because not many use it. i find github repo for the list of awesome systematic trading though which i try to learn for the next months.
fot the job processing it quite well, i have received offer letter from accenture and from a beacukai vendor, but i postpone the becuk because i am more inclined to accenture. in beacukai the role is system analyst, and i realized i hate java, i hate managing people, and its full wfo. in accenture i got data engineer, gov, analyst things role. i still dont know what im gonna do though. but i have just reealized if didnt get the job i still dont know what i am gonna do. so yeah, forget about my idealism. i hope that my job will become more impactful and benefit for more people. i got the welcome kit and onboarding guideline, but i quite unsure because their hr is unresponsive about things related background check, i dunno whether i pass it or no, and the date of joining is after next week.
my review form the recruitment process is very bad, it makes me anxious, but i believe everything will alright. i know what i have achieved right now is not purely my efforts. lots of prayer from my family or friends perhaps. im just lucky. so i dont know about the future. but i try to be positive, i hope for the best. if i get the job i will complete my nazar and try to be a good human being. if i didnt get the job, perhaps i just learn that systematic trading for github repo, anyway, whether i make it or not i am gonna still learn that stuff.
i plan to visit semarang to crypto bro events, so i really hope the result of my recruitment process will be good. i know Allah knows what best for me. i just need to make more effort, try to build system, try ditch bad habits and whatnot. then pehaps i could find my love that bring me to jannah. i dunno about afterlife, for now i just want to marry a beautiful salehah woman because honestly i cant really control my temptation. internet is the worst of all place, and because for 5 months i didnt have a job, i spend most of my time on that worst place. i try to control it, and i often get defeats by it. but i am sure that i can defeat it and maintaining good habits.
for the past i remember that 2023 and 2024 is a bad year for me. not really a bad year, but a year for mistake and reflection. i can connect the dots about why a girl reject me, i think its because Allah want to show me that how unrequited love feels. when i was in elemntary school some girl like me, and i just get arrogant, and my family loves me too but i dont give them back what they deserved. and the story about when i met my school crush, she forgot about me, that event is reminding how painful to be forgotten. i do terrible things, i dont bridge silaturahmi with friends because im too coward and shy how i fail in life. i always look up for reason to hide, to isolate myself, lack of courage to take action to celebrate my friends achievement, to contribute. i dont know. because honestly i feel isolated and so alone. no friend say congratuion to me after i graduated, and i missed graduate events because i dont want to be looked how misserable i am. i treat people bad, and it makes treat myself worse, i dont know the cause on effect, but that is that.
will i get better, i just hope so.
and previously actually i want to list of my hall of shame / failure.
taleb said succesful man has more failure that is hard to replicate than his success.
2024-09-09
this is my first job at accenture.
2024-09-12
Always remind myself that I should stay away from competition, because it’s only for a loser. Don’t need to try to stand out among others, unless you really curious about something. Someone who shine so bright, invite spite from others. Need to remind myself, don’t be too ambitious, don’t follow those who are afraid. So afraid that they try everything to run from the void, to run from themselve, running from question, “is it really matter”. because what i saw is trivial things. And dont balem others if they can’t value something. That they value the most trivial things. Or maybe I’m the stupid one that doesn’t see the value that can’t be quantify. But the type of someone who is diligent yet stupid is the worst of any type. They try to do everything themself, they are so afraid of doing nothing. They try everything, mess most of things because they dont think for long term. they just want to do the work. they afraid of being replace. dont be like that, i say to myself. it doesnt matter who is right and who is wrong, you should just look for something that makes you matter. sometimes the real thing doesn’t matter, just do something that makes you feel like a whole, maybe it’s just a feeling. and it makes me like the others. as soon as i realized, there are things that is hard to quantify. some just act with feeling, with their intuition. and i see myself like them too. i don’t really know what is right. im just trying to be. i just want to be good.
2024-09-13
its so fucking boring i dont know. i really hate being in here. what were doing here just repeat something. they stressed about taking and giving feedback. but they dont even ask for feedback of how boring their material are. it is silly to live in this world. you are really afraid of being replace, you want to service, and it is the obvious and the nature of human of course. but as someone who can think, you can see that these people are not needed, including you. so you just do something you dont know what is the impact, you just act like anyone else because youre afraid, because you dont know. it’s so meaningless this fucker.
like you dont need to spend for 3 weeks to read these materials. you could ask chatgpt. gen AI means it could help you with meaningless useless little detail, no one remember it, unless it is really something crucial like the nuclear plan or something. but what you build is mostly useless software that is update it daily or weekly and it will forgotten less than 1 months. you might said it is improving, to help people, but it actually useless. you just justify that what youre doing is helpful, you even create a sales and marketing to tell people that your product is something different and is needed by a lot of people while actually it is like social construct, its like self fullfilling prophecy. lots of stupidity, the glamorous of some brand, etc. they play with psychology and they think they are clever because they could profit so much from it, but the truth is they are the liar, they are the conman. and most conman, you know, they justify themself as someone who is intelligent. they dont know what they should do, so they just follow anyone, try to collect lots of material possessions. they dont own it, all their things that own them.
looking material that is so stale, wasting time, they said they are an advance technology company. but i think their training is just too much, it is so redundant.
i dont know maybe im not grateful enough for things.
2024-09-23
I hate myself when I like someone easily. It was like the first week of my training on my new company. She suddenly chat me when the trainer taught ask lessons. The training was so boring. I haven’t fixed my sleep schedule, so I got tired easily. I can’t focus on things I don’t really care, unless there’s a force in it. I honestly still don’t care about anything. She just started the chat because she was bored I thought, but I got the excitement because I feel like I was going back to my pre-teenage year where I can expressed myself fully in the teams chatting.
I rationalize that she started chatting to most of new joiner. She helped me from boredom at that time, I thank her. But poor me, I’m a hopeless romantic. Even my logic knows there is no something special in it, I still feel like that there is something in it.
The next day, we were going to the same direction with another guy. I just joking how about we were looking for dinner together. And we found out a typical “angkringan” that sells cheap (Rp5000,00) rice with various side dishes. We talked a lot. There’s no something special, I even forgot the conversations.
I forgot about the interval of the day, but the next day, we were back home going the same direction again. In the basement she gathered with the girls, and she looked like saying “Accompany me please” to me, but I pretended not to hear that. She annoyed, and walk fast. I tried to keep the pace with her because I really want to talk to her. Then I call her, she pretend not hearing me, but then she looked at me. The stupid of me, I ask her like this…
“Where do you go on weekend?”
“I just stay at my room”
“Do you not plan to explore Semarang with other new joiners?”
“No one really invited me”
I dont’ know but my emotion interpret her reaction is somewhat, “Please lets go together somewhere”. But I think I have to many wild assumptions.
Then I ask her again,
“Do you have any friends here in Semarang?”
“None, do you?”
“Everyone is friend I think”
Somehow I remember the Tiktok’s video that remind me that everyone is friend in Semarang, so I always remind myself please don’t be too serious. I want to ask a lot about her, but then suddenly 2 my friends exist so we are now 4. As like before, we agree to had dinner together, we go back to the place where we ate before.
The 2 guys chat a lot, they are like big brother and little brother who talk alot about love stories and whatnot, leaving me and the girl just listen to them.
Until I talked, that the conversations are too heavy, it’s like an adult conversation, I still want to be kids. And somehow because they talk about ex-lover, she suddenly ask me,
“Do you have a girlfriend?”
I said I am married with anime. I answer it with play it cool, while I actually analyzing what’s the meaning of thats question. I got carried away with my feeling actually. After I went home, I only think about her. I think I should invite her to explore Semarang together, I want to bring my motorcycle.
The next day is the worst day, I dream about her, there’s my name on her Line status, and it makes me happy even it is just a dream. And today we were having dinner with many new joiners, totally chaos. I can’t talk to her, We didn’t go together, I felt so sad. And when I walked home until now I can’t stop thinking about her.
Now I just want to sleep while listening to a song that has this lyric
“Will you wonder if I wonder bout you?”
2024-08-09
things about regret…
when i try to objectively look into something, it always makes me lose something that can’t be quantify.
because of that i always believe there is no something as objective. whatever we feel, it is real, but it can’t be quantified, it cant be objectified. and it makes me confuse, for the question am i really objective, or am i bending something to fit my current perspectives, that is the hard question.
the human needs/desire try to fall me into something i shouldn’t commit. it’s hard to fight this urge. things like hungry is something easy because that thing is just the need that is not prohibited. but for the other things, i don’t know why i feel like these “other” things are prohibited, or there’s no real flag/prove why it is prohibited, but it rather as something that make you feel dilematic, to question whether it is right or wrong. this something i really hate about desire.
things id like to discuss is the loneliness, the need of someone to love you, to need you. the sexual desire and whatnot. for now i am not differentiate those things, its very complex that it has a lot of commonality and intersection, it is somehow inseparable. and it continue my previous journal about why i get easily carried away by feelings.
and to discuss this current things, am i wise to include the comparation between the past and the future. or the things that occured in present just need to compare with current present things. i might agree with this because if you are included the future as the scope of our discussion, it means there will be much of speculation about what human can or cant do. but since im somehow an indefinite optimist, i often feel like human can do anything, its just a matter of time, commitment, and discipline.
the supporting argument why we should include the future to our discussion because we have seen all the luddites. they are to preoccupied with their work, to much focus on their they stuffs, and forget how to dream. they were been busy by their necessities, the needs from their partner, the bills they need to pay. and somehow, the things that can’t be predicted by them just happened, somehow they become angry because they realize that they can be replace easily. some look them as angry about the things that happens outside of them, i look them as sad and disappointed to themselves because they can lead themself to prepare things.
by look into these things, we can’t degrade luddite. because as we see right now, when we are experimenting faster, there are lots of new things, everything can be generated easily, especially if its in the field of digital world. and we are questioning again, for the better world, is it physical or digital virtual world, which one is more real, or is it irrelevant question.
if we dont follow the luddite practice, we will be worried about the future. and if we are worrying about the future. we wont be easily to lead ourself since everything is controlled and moved by the current outer world from ourselves. it makes us a slave of the future. some people proud when they claim themself as lifelong learning, but byung cul han said, it is the act of someone who doesnt really know what there gonna do, it is the act of someone who ready to be slaved by their org/business/groups to learn all things so their org could make profit, so it looks like the worst capitalistic situation. some are fullfilled by its duty, some are known they are engage in meaningless work, and they will become something as “burnout society”
comeback to the sexual desire. i always feel like i need that. social media spread this kind of toxicity, for me its toxic, but for some its showing their love. love for some is the healer, for some its a toxic. i always think that human can be replicated easily, virtual world could be more real than the real world.
then we’re gonna ask ourself, why settle for less. why settle for the one. why cant we have intimate love with many people, why we need to commit to only some. i believe there are so many misfortune people, they dont get love they deserved, even they really want to end their life because of it. it somehow makes me feel bad, i dont know why.
it will lead to a question, why do we need to care about the marginal people, why we want to make a better place for all, why not just some of who is closer to ask. why social gaps should be removed, why we care about some are rich and some dont, why do we need to help poor people. why humanity?
about love, why i need to commit only to one person different gender for the rest of my lives? i find it easy to answer this question. no matter what state of our world right now, i believe everything has its own model, its just from that simple model, that represents all of these. when i try to answer the question, i can always transform this dimension to the other simple dimension of the teenage world, and the answer is simple about this question.
“because i am just bad boy, because i just want love from all women.”
2024-09-30
everyday i always feel like i never been my true self. i always moved by others. i blame the invincible hands for this. i dont know which one the true self of me. i justify my behaviour by engaging in multiple philosophy perspective, lets say psychoanalysis from zizek/lacanian that state you have to know that the true self is when you put yourself a mask. it means my true self is only happened when i am behind people, on the internet, where i can express fully myself. but i think its all a lie too. that makes feel like i never been true self too myself. sometimes i feel a little joy, when i try to act like someone who isnt me, i praise myself as someone who is adaptable and joyful. but for some moment i often felt that there’s no meaning in my behaviour, it serve no purpose, because i think there people just forgot about that, memory is unreliable. when i seen others do this? its hard for me to look people do this, i feel like people just do theirs, it really fits with them. but once i look at my sister, she was a shy quiet young girl, but then turn out to be more outgoing, adventurous, and more extroverted. i see her somehow act that is exaggerated, for example when she interact with a child, its over kindness that you can see its annoying, the fake it til you make it things, but later on i see that as something like effort towards what she really want to be. i dont see her as fake or something, but rather as someone who is really struggle and try her best to achieve what she wants, and i look that in many people, it really fit with them. but when i try to act like them, i always feel like i am a faker, or conman, it drains my energy, it is tiring me everyday. thus are the impact to myself. the impact to others can be seen to my parents and family. in the outside home, i act like i am very friendly, telling jokes and whatnot, but inside house, i just quiet, close minded, silent treatment to my family. the impact i know i can see the disappointment face from my mother or father, they look worry because i didnt open up to them, i can see theyre getting older, they look older than their friend in the same age. i know i am the one to blame. but i just wait, still cant open up. i dont know, i am afraid of the consequences if i open up, like the things i did not fit their expectations, i am afraid i am disappointing them, and the truth is i already disappointed them, and i disappoint myselft. to tell the truth is something i find it hard, that’s why im just journaling. i havent count the times i discuss about this, but its just to many, i am afraid they will read my story too. a wise man said, when you do something, you have to imagine what if the people you love and you admire look at something you do, only by that you can always do the best things. the question is how can i do the best things, when i really afraid they look at me at something i really like but perhaps they disappoint at me when they knew about it. there are too many assumptions i knew it. like when there were lot of problems on my college, i always prepare it very detail, very comprehensive, very smart, just turn out i prepare too much, the problems did not happen, and i felt wasting time to prepare handle the situation that never occured. i think thus happened because i lie too much, when i lie i always think about the best justification of why i lie, i always find the reasoning process, i can remember every detail to defend why i lie, my lying is perfect, its just too perfect that it is burdening me until now, makes me anxious so much, tiring me, taking my part that actually can be used for solving some problems to make a better world. but these things really drained me, i dont know how to handle, i dont know how to fix. i lie again, i know how to fix, to take a risk a little bit, to tell the truth, i want to see my self not as coward, i really want. i want to reinforce that, i believe i am not a coward. please suppressed this, im tired, i dont know what is true, i dont what is real, its too many contradictions, too many consequences i should face, i just want to make mama proud, but i want to express myself fully. theres no such thing as solution. be true yourself, for some it align with everything, theres no tradeoff. but for me, there is the tradeoff. and which one i choose is just to delay it, wait it, for the time will heal, i can only pray to the time for be good to me, because i dont really know what is true, time is my dependency, i need to look at the tradeoff, there’s no solution in this. perhaps i should just keep lying, wait til the time i stop myself, and think is it worth it to lie. is it worthy to hide. and if this things is occuring unlimitedly, could you bare the pain, could you run from the suffering caused by lying. i dont know honestly i dont know, i can only write, but honestly i want to just run, i dont want to write, i dont want to speak. i cant hide, but i can always run, time will save me, i wish, but what if it doesnt? allah will save me
2024-10-08
its my reflection after reading karpathy’s Phd tips.
i always realize from the beginning of my lifetime i always choose the easy path. i think its because i knew from my childhood that i can easily cheat in order to get something i want.
but he said that you cant cheat on building startup or doing phd. you have to have a strong fundamental, you have to solve all the hard things.
actually i have realize on my high school when i join physic olympiad, where i learn autodidac, i watch bengkel MaFia youtube channel. I grasp and realized that what i have been taught after all is just memorizing, i have very bad reasoning skills and math fundamental. when i see the beautiful thing of the story that make the concept of math work, i knew that i am tricked by my school, by teachers that i am smart, while actually im really dumb.
i often got the first rank, and got high score in test, but actually its because i memorize the pattern of the answers, i was lacking critical thinking question when i was in elementary school or in junior high school. thats why i feel like i never been able to chase all the genius. and i might think that its not the teachers fault, its just they are taught like that, perhaps those all just the best that they can do.
let me list all my easiest things thing to do. i used to cheat when i was in high school, especially in subjects i feel like it wont be use in my future like biology, civilization, history, etc. i just learn what i like. and i think i dont learn at all, i just memorizing the pattern so i can get the high score, but if i am asked about the basic concept, i believe i cant tell in simple way, which prove that i dont understand at all.
i go to information system degree not because i really want, but its because i am afraid of not getting a job. i take courses that is easy instead of something i really curious about. i justify all of my doing like these because this is the era of exploration. i dont want to be specialize. its so stupid to be specialize because there are lots of interesting things to do in life. when youre specialize, it means you become boring, you can only talk what youre specializing. but the contradiction is i have a deep feeling that i want to be an expert at something. i dont want to be specialized person, but i want to be an expert at something. i want a problem that only me that could solve the problems. i dont want to work on something that can be done by others.
i always try to find that something. something that only me that can handle it. i dont know whether its bias and its something i should remove or not. but i assume my feeling of fullfilment could only come from this. i pray everyday to get this things. thats why i dont want to be specialize. i like philosophy. i try to formulate something, i like to think about abstract things. i want to expert at something, in the end i want to be specialize.
i realize the tradeoff i get, the cost of everything ive done because i often do the easy things. i graduated from my university only to get the diploma paper. i only do something to try to impress people, while the truth is i knew no one will impress by my cv. its just clerk work, big title, big company, but its meaningless. this is because i always do the easy thing.
i tried to break for months, looking for something i really want. but i still dont know what i need to do. or is it something that i have planted to my unconscious mindm that i dont know what i want. perhaps i can know what i want, but i try to hypnotize myself, perhaps in front of mirror, “i know what i want” 99x. but it still doesnt work.
i write this because its fucking boring here. i watch all random things they think i should pursue. what i really want is to contemplate only, to think about all the meaningless job, how could many people live a meaningless life, doing something they didnt enjoy, to gather with people they dont really care by the excuse it could potentially lead to well networking.
i want to read something i enjoy to learn something i want. but we know that as our eyes has limited capabilities, my finger is not good to type like this, my left finger is easily get hurt, while my right hand could flexibily move towards anything they like, maybe i need to practice more writing. its nice to write something, its nice to create something. i want to create something, this is something what i want.
the cost of doing easy things are hard. its not good for the long run. please dont cheat. life is not something that be cheated. maybe some get a great inheritance or win the lottery. but i believe its not something that you can be proud of. its so empty. if its not something you get by your own struggle, its unworthy. perhaps this thing bias, but i believe its the real law.
2024-10-11
so i think this is the reflection time. i find it so boring to listening something i dont really want. to participate in something i dont care about is hell. this time i was assigned to an event, its called teamelite. most event like that. i find everything was so short termist. its just they really want to contribute something they wont remember. its full of formality. i hate all about formality, like people are scared of not participating, they are not afraid if they wasting time. so today i was going to a meeting that i
2024-10-13 i was given some vegetables from my girl coworker that is planned to comeback to her hometown because she took WFH for a week.
in responding this, i always ask what things should i give it back to her.
so as you know im the type that want to be looked different, this is the bias of me. that i need to make different than anyone, without real significant benefit. i just want to take a look at lots of different options, and see which one is more interesting. somoetimes i dont really care about the future, i just want experiment.
heres are the choices.
- give it things the same or higher prices than what she gave me
for most people i believe they will choose this path. by reciprocal law, people tend to feel guilty if they are given something and not give it back.
- give nothing
this is probably the choice i will make, because its different. it makes me look like i indifferent towards all the laws. it makes me feel like i have free will and i can make a choice. it somehow make me feel like i am free to choose and different than others. i dont want to act like others. i am adventorous, i explore all conditions, include the worst, only to make me feel like i have a free will.
i am a masochist, i want punishment. because punishment is a type of love.
its crazy that every choice you make could significantly move the timeline, like it could make you disappointed, joy, miserable, or rage in the future. small differences in the amount of the things you give it back it will change everything.
do you believe in free will my friends?
2024-10-18
actually i dont need to get a job. the reason why i choose accenture is mostly came from pressure from my father which once a week came to my room said, “dont waste your potential, get a master degree or something”. and because of it i was applying random jobs far from my city so i can think for myself again. at that time i just want to take a rest, do sabbatical things in my room alone with my thought, think what should i do in my life instead.
bo burnham said, all of our “real” life is mostly acted to eternalized the digital world. its like we act like in a theater in real life, to records all that happens in real life, and then upload it on the internet so we can make people envy of us.
the needs to be remember, the needs for recognition is so strong, and i believe its human natural needs, and only internet that could capture it, especially if youre not really believe in the after life. so mostly we live for the digital world, and only internet that can connect ourself with others, to make our life seems eternal.
thats why, i dont mind being a someone who is “nolep” person, because from the start i know, we all live for the eternity, and only internet for now can do that. we can just customize ourself to make people beleive who we really are. we can always define ourself to be something, to be someone.
by that i mean work at random company to get money, to do the “job”, is somehow a laziest form of life, try to engage in something that doesnt contribute to the immortality of yourself.
i think the hard and real question is not, “why you live like this”, “why you choose accenture”, “why you act like this”.
the main part i want to ask is simply,
- why do we need to remember, to be needed
- why do we need to make value
- what is value, how could we define value
- what the hell is this life
and it the end we can justify and define everything as we like. for the most of my life, what i really want is to break the limit. and it makes me questioning,
- why do i need to be different than others
- why can’t i just conform with other people, follow others
its like when someone give me something, why do i feel the need to give it back more than what i received? is it part of our selfish gene? could we break this and propagate new ideas, that the giver need the beggar more than the oppsite, that the creator need the creation more than the opposite.
and this question only apply when you look at the little perspective on earth. if we take a look further, we dont know anything. for some ideas, especially most social constructs theories, we can flip it and create a psy-op against that theory, perhaps it needs time, but the probability is not zero.
but if we take a look at the bigger perspectives, only the little bigger like gravity, could we redefine gravity?, any other natural laws? outside the earth?
and as i see much philosophers formulate about this, i see this is a very little problem. like the power is just too small, looking at the psychological/social constructs things.
it made me despise philosophy so much. they say philosophy is a fundamental, root of all human knowledge. but it basically can really understand in the more deep level of the nature the bigger questions. and they always play it with, “oh your issue itself is a philosophical problems”. i say that your not understand about this, its trivial issue, its not the main issue.
i think the more interesting part is how you try to understand the world better, the natural world, and it can only achieved by science. you cant just look at yourself deeply like whats carl jung said. you have to know how to reach the deepest of the earth, the deepest sea, before you travel around the planet. or is it the opposite?
this makes wonder, what should i listen, what should i read, what should i learn, what should i unlearn, what i have to do.
and it circling again.
i somehow remember about the neural network. neural network is so good, is somehow more unique than our neurons. and its very good because we know about how the computation works.
and if i am not mistaken, its so good because its know its purpose, the loss function. neural network is good because it really want to minimize the loss function.
it similar like human perhaps, most motivators said we have to have a purpose, some goals, real plan, real actions. but what about someone who dont know what he really wants?
its mostly about minimizing loss function, minimizing suffering? and what about the masochistic persons or someone who really want to explore suffering? inverse the function? multiply it by negative? its really interesting question for me.
as we know, transformers or GPT has a really good results. its sequence to sequence, its predicting the next words by digesting knowledges from this world, its very good.
like we can simply knows which feature contribute more to a success. we can really define our success. perhaps, muhammad, we know what is his success, it has features like he came from orphan, his birth and so on, we can really compile all success people like muhammad, we can try to look who has similar feature like us, the books we read, the movies we watch, the song we listen, the religion we believe.
but here’s the most interesting part is. perhaps no figures has features similar like you, and it means you can define your matrix feature target by yourself, perhaps you can define your success as to break the reciprocal law, to propagate this idea, that we dont need to feel guilty if we dont give it back to someone who gives us. its not only about that, we can really define our success, and its mostly social constructs. i doesnt matter.
like i find interesting ideas, but still, i have to know what i want. and now i need to watch useless courses again at accenture. but if i plan idas on my brain that “ohh i believe what i have learn could become useful” perhaps i could be real useful. i just need to make a positive ideation? what a fucking bullshit worlds, what a jokes in the friday afternoon.
2024-10-31
bloody hell.
the quesiton is always, what are the things you really want to contribute. hearing thiel making me always ask myself what are the things i really care about.
as we can see, the world in digital world is full of abundance, we see this amazing of GPT, perhaps it looks like pramoedya ananta toer’s view of how he see bicycle amazingly in his bumi manusia. i dont know how much times left for the civilization. and i dont even know whether we can break this law of enthropy. perhaps we can but honestly i feel pessimistic towards this.
there is a law from religion that kullu nafsin daiqotul maut. i guess it is what taleb said in his new coming book, about enthropy. perhaps he wrote some interesting history and stories to fulfil that. but i guess his main ideas is just simply we are all gonna die. we wont survive for centuries. how advance our technology, indonesia is still poor. i dont know which to contribute. like there are so many interesting ideas to explore left with so little time. and even with this greatest feeling of me i dont know, my uncoscious and bad behaviour still control me, i still control them. in the end i will just scroll tiktok or twitter anyway, will i continue living like this? fuck you
2024-11-02
this week i learn after i talked with vina. that i am into more deep conversations. about the meaning of life, why we’re here. i realized what i longing more is in the matter of friendship, not love.
because i believe there will be love also in a friendship. when i find a person that i don’t want to lose, i don’t want her to be my girlfriend. romantic confession is ugly, it transform the base into something that cant be convertible again to the base form. its like the law of entropy, where disorder is increased as the time is increased, it become more complex, it needs more effort to return back to the original form which is the original what we want it doesnt changed.
after i talked about most philosophical topics with my coworker i have feeling the sense of uneasiness. some are just regrets, that it similar like romantic confession, that perhaps in the part of me i felt that i relieved and authentic that finally i could talk something that i really want to talk with person, not only a small useless talk. the talk that i always imagine with my previous crush to happen, and it turns out it feel better to talk with a girl coworker you dont seem have find a romantic attraction. and that was actually what im looking for, discussing silly philosophical things that makes me feel sort of fullfill. it doesnt solve problem in this world, but i just felt satisfaction.
and i lied, i dont satisfied at all. some part of me thought that it was a trap. perhaps those topics should be just think alone, perhaps it burdening my coworker, perhaps it makes the topics lose it sense of mysteriousness, then in the longer term, it will lose its fun. but i justify myself, maybe i am created to be a human devil, to examine someone’s believe so that if they pass they gonna reach toward a higher degree of form of life, i dont know. but of course i dont want to be a devil.
we talk about qada and qadhar; what kind of superheroes strength would you like to have; do you believe in metaverse in the context of religion; do you think god want to be understood (we use our reason) or it wants us to be sami’na wa ato’na; is it really cared about us or not? why are we salat; why you put on hijab; which one is distraction, the pursuit of learning about world (tech like frontend, backend, data, SAP) or a philosophical question about after life an so on, or should we just do those things in paralel to minimizie our risk; from 73 group in islam, which one would really lead us to the salvation; what if there is no god, and we are just the creation of aliens that make us the object of their entertainment; what if islam is not the right religion? and so on. and it goes on with a little or pehaps a great amount of burden, that we guess whether god is humorous or not, because if he is not, we surely going to go to hell. but i believe even i go to hell, it is part of god’s wills and love for me.
thats why, i dont know why i pray. i am a risk averse to the level of pray. i was often pray that we hope that all human become happy and so on. i have jsut realize that not human really need to be happy, some philosopher are just want to be significant or want to be remember, they need unhappiness more than happiness. i dont know how should i pray. i just pray for the best for all. i dont know what is best for them or for me. i just want clarity, perhaps im in a hurry, for humans were created with a hasty nature. i just thankful for thdeepis week, i feel really good. and i need to stop chasing girl, i believe she’s just friendly, and i am afraid i expect too much of her, so i should just stop. i just pray please give the best for us.
2024-11-06
so today or yesterday i forgot about the specific day. but i found out about goddels theory. sometimes youre just wandering and surfing random stuffs you find in your memory. and we dont know how the memory just suddenly recall that i need to do this or that. like perhaps i could connect it in a way that i opened instagram first, then i check the explore page. i see some of kdramas clips which jung so min, then somehow i remembered about the quote, especially about the relationship between cat and neocortex. and then i look that quotes suddenly, then i found about goddles theorem. i remembered my lecturer was disccussing this in front off my class, but its not goddles theorem, but about halting problem computer science. then this time i tried to look it up the explanation. roger penrose, a physicist said he hate about this theorem. but when i look the explanation somehow im crying.
like its something that its so hard to explain, the feeling of something you know its real, you know its right. but you just dont know how to prove. when i saw the explanation and remember these things, i suddenly cried. i think im just carried away by my feeling too much. the theorem true only within the context of the system its proven in. perhaps this theorem its just bullshit. i always be cautious of myself, when look at something look pattern that find it is amusing. because it often a trap, a trap that you might see beauty in something, and only you can see that beauty. such things are not beauty, its just a schizophrenic experience you got because most of the truth is valued by mass society. and i think i should stop right now because its time for maghrib.
2024-11-07
met to haya’s (jhs friend) friend wedding and she said that my face is whiter, Me and fams drive a car, when we back home my grandmother puke on the car.
I talked with ilham with his travelling experience 6 hours because he gabut.
This dream is really strange. First i dream about nabila, my friend supporting me when i confessed to her that she now look at me. We discuss about people nowadays lack of showing their love.
Then suddenly my brother come to me, showing that there is a girl that into me through gojek. I make a review on that apps forgot about that detail i think the point is talking i like her. And tissa comment on below my comment, that she knew i gave her mixed feeling, but she really2 into me.
2024-11-20
lets rationalize this fucking stupid thoughts and feeling. your feeling is not real. youre not crush to someone, you just like the idea of them. and when the person based on your ideas diverge from the real them, i believe youll find any other person is just boring. its always like that, and you’re just a terrible person who see someone sexually, you just need sexual relationship, not like the real love. so please aware of yourself fucker. your not jealous, you have the high will of power to make people admire you. and what if people dont admire you? why you become disappointed? you have high expectation of yourself, but you have to realize that the real you is shit. people care only about the surface, what can be seen, intuition, feeling, emotion. you might call it real, but its all social construct. you should laugh at yourself, you should see how ugly you are, how mediocre you are, useless to this world. but that doesnt mean you cant enjoy this. ohh? we are forced to enjoy our existence? no you can choose, you can jump out of building right now. you could stop your interaction with gen AI because as you now the data now has become plateued. it stuck, many people expect AGI faster, but we dont what might happen. what kind of things you really wish for. to make people like you? what a nonsense? yes, i know, i cant control how i like someone, or how i make people hate myself. we have no control over that. and you have no control over people action and behaviour. she’s not wrong, she’s friendly to everyone. its just because you’re lonely, you get carried away easily by someone. even a silly little act of kindness, you consider that as love. what kind of fool you are. try to rationalize it. most men know man and woman cant be friends, but not the otherwise. woman feel like that can be friend with man, platonic friendship? what kind of bullshit it is. platonic friendship for man and woman only works for man when they encounter the woman is ugly. oh how terrible perosn you are that you’d like to be friends only with ugly woman, because you cant stand with pretty woman. oh how damage is human.
were a bunch of lonely fool. modern man are a bunch of lonely fool. oh how poor they are. no wealth, no friend, no girl, no companionship. looking at this condition, of course the most rational way is to seize your destiny, talk to god, banging on its door. what kind of fool that use “he” pronouns to god. it must be “it” i bet it. for us that cant stand, and feeling tired of stupid competition with others. for other who is coward, bear the suffer, absurdism, hedonism til your soul been taken by “it”. what is left for a guy who is lost, who take so much sin by betray his own soul, who is lying too much, who shy away from all the simple creature. a bunch of data, a bunch of feeling, what exactly is that. i cant really think, i cant really act. this little act, i cant predict, so sudden, yet i suffer. so many misfortune, yet i feel like i felt the worst, how miserable i am, but how clever i am, to think about this, to contemplate. while persons around me move their mouse/touchpad, touch their keyboard, try to focus. try to stay out of distraction. which one is a real distraction if i might ask my friend? is it my thinking like that, an idea of random girl that suddenly often come to my dreams, a useless and meaningless work, a learning material you know it wont worth to pursue only to richer the already rich? which one is distraction? because i cant process paralelly, im just a human, i can make a multiprocess/threading function and give it to computer. but this type of problem, as a human, i should choose. and i cant seem find to choose, only to choose which one is distraction, i dont know. i just wasting time, i just spend my time. i just substract my life. im wandering and wondering. how could be life this beautiful turn out become ugly, just because you feel like no one love you.
2024-07-12 visitting grandma
Today i visited my grandma at the hospital because she fallen at the toilet then she broke her hips. There’s dislocation or something, i forgot, but the main thing is it pain her so much. In order to lose the pain, the doctor said she needed to have a surgery.
My family is confuse, because we bring my grandma at the sardjito hospital, and the doctor there is not straighforward, they mostly delay the surgery, because they said that they should perform another check like heart and pulmonary.
2024-11-22
friday is a day for reflection. i believe it’s been 3 months that i had been working in semarang. i have been not working actually, im just trained, for 2 weeks, then randomly learn anything i want. i was plotted in the telkomsel’s project, but i don’t know whether it will be gone smooth or not, because i think if telkomsel still has my name on their database, i have bad experience when i worked at a vendor that work with them. my problem is actually with the vendor’s management, not with telkomsel’s directly. i just feel like their incompetency is burdening, i do a lot things that actually can be done by themselves, i hate my manager because he only ask me to do something, without have the capacity to look for the bigger picture.
so i am here waiting for my next journey. but i feel so grateful about being in accenture. i met with amazing and fun people. i have just realized that i can do well when i have peer near my age, or have the sense that we have on the same level, i need some egalitarian friendship. no matter how the culture tells me “its ok to call anyone here by their name, no need seniory” and whatnot, but i still affected by how my parents and environment interact with me. i am not comfortable speaking with someone whom i felt senior or older than me. when i was with friend around my age, i think i feel like i can be myself. even though i dont really understand what is the “self” really
2024-12-18
today i had a dinner with my colleague. its not a good time i guess. i have already known that if you met with lots of persons, its mostly garbage. thats why whenever there’s a meeting with too many people (more than 5 is my rule of thumb) i often refuse. i always think in perspective of data. once i refuse meeting friends with the reason “its too high dimension”. i know i just want to sound so smart, but yeah its like data, were just a bunch of data. people regard consciousness or soul as something higher, but i regard that its only like a bunch of data. when it has high dimension its too complex, too high variance. we will have a curse of dimensionality. what we want is simpler form, the main thing, not the trivial and superficial things. we want only the main form it. and with high dimension, its hard for us to that ultimate form, because we often compromise. it will then just output garbage.
i dont understand how people could live like that, having overprice dinner with kebetulan i dont really like it, because its korean food. we were mostly talked about pop culture. sure we laugh a lot, but that kind of events are the events that makes me want to kms because i need put on mask to pretend i am interested in what they’re saying and its exhausting. but because we need to take the positive look on it, what i can say is i can bond with friends, and i can try improve my social skills, even though if this life is a game, the aspects of social is the point i dont want to improve, i prefer spend my point to different aspects. even most people said social is needed in order to success, to hell with it, i am not looking for what society consider as success.
how could people do something like that often without feeling miserable? i dont know. i often think we’re always fed by algorithm to be interested in something trivial, something absurd and stupid, so that we dont look through something that we should looking for. its the kind of censorship in this era, its not hiding the information, but instead they bloat you with a lot of information.
2024-12-20
alhamdulillah, today i got a haircut. my barber talked a lot, and we had a nice chat. it made me feel good because he’s really passionate about what he’s doing. maybe i make 3-4 times more than him, and he’s younger than me, but his excitement made me feel hopeful. there are always people like him, passionate and believing in what they do. he said he wants to become a barber in the netherlands, and i really wish him success.
we talked about a lot of things, and it only cost me 25k rupiahs. some things in life can’t be bought with money, and this is one of those things. i value him more than any psychologist i’ve met in my life. i feel really grateful.
alhamdulillah, i was shown who she really is. even though i can’t completely get her out of my mind yet, it made me realize she’s not the one. she’s beautiful and playful with me, but we don’t click intellectually. we’re not on the same page politically, and she doesn’t get my sarcastic/satirical humor. i often make her feel disrespected because i say things she doesn’t understand. i’ve also realized she doesn’t invest only in me—she’s got other options. yes, alhamdulillah, we’ve had some good times, but it’s clear i need to stop this and focus on something more worthwhile instead.
2025-01-05
sbg salah satu yg kecipratan uang saku msib, stelah dipikir2 program itu lbh kpd bribery agar student dont do something that really matters.
after all students dont know what matters because its hard for them to see in the long run what really paid off because of too much information and changes.
nadiem is influenced by pragmatical vision just do that because problem he sees is simply high unemployment, retardness, unmatched skills for human capital. then he just try to ‘create’ something agar dia terlihat ‘membantu’ something.
itu membuat students fomo looking at their peers, that they should work, they should be productive, running multiple kepanitiaan & magang. they should join that kind of things, msib, independent study and whatnot.
then they work in order to forgot all those painful reflection about what is really their potential.
snd they just continue to work pretend they dont know what their potential. or they give up, because they know their potential wont pay off.
some try to diversify, one times for doing meaningless work, another times for trying to live up to their potential. some just yolo at take full risk to try to live up their potential. some are just pragmatic searching which one makes more money and give them status
and this case i dont know whether i should be thankful or angry at those program initiator.
ntahlah, rata2 pengangguran itu idealismenya cantik2 dan menggoda, tp kalo diminta implement ya toxic nya ga kira2 trs tinggal dodge, blaming, trs justify bahwa idenya tidak seperti itu…
walau sbnrnya berharap bisa keimplemen sih keknya bakal jp dan gacor
2025-01-06
i think joker 2 is perfect.
from the bad score review itself define our society. society want bad behavipur to be validated, becase we do it everyday. they really liked their mosfortune to be compensated.
i think the story is perfect, its just too many cringe musical drama.
if we compare with the first sequel, it is the peak to satisfy viewer expectations. they shown about a misfortune suffering “man” that fight his awareness about how low he is. having a bad mother, lots of bullying, unlucky condition, it is the seasoning to make viewer empathetic towards joker. it gives them reason to justify joker’s action. than they praise the mask of joker. they really want sensation.
after that in the sequel, we know that joker is not really that special, he’s just a loser who lose his control because he through a lot in his life. just because he had so many bad experience doesnt mean he needs to be a bad guy. and if he’s doing a bad thing, he should be punished for what he’s done.
and what society focus is more in the sensational, in the particular, not in the deep level of symptoms. they focus on the iconic like joker, not focus on the systemic problems like how bad the mental insitution, or how could so many parents raise a bully who grows to be an asshole. because the chaos is just too much to handle, so they just give up. instead of break down the problems and fix it little by little. they add the oil to fire that burn. they celebrate the individual as the campaign only for performance so they can feel alive, to feed their ego.
and when they are woken up and shown about what is real, they will go crazy and deny all the facts. its like most who give bad rating this sequel. when it is against society expectation, they always deny about the bad things and feel like that they are the truth and other than them are wrong. i dont know i think this story its just genius, it really reflect about how our society works.
after all why not, why not do meaningless work in order to survive
2025-02-02
when you realize everything its a positive sum game. there’s no place in this world for someone who is neutral. every idleness, every silent is a choice. every choice has capacity to change this world, no matter how small it is. to be silent and have no voice means to ignore.
everything is a positive sum game means no matter what you do, something that is dominant will keep be dominant, its just reinforcing. and when you try to opposite that force, whether it becomes success or not, it always find a new state to keep balance for what wins at that time. powerful or weak, its just attributive of language. all of it has basically just the same. anyone is a slave of one another.
when i buy nasi ayam 6rb an in semarang sold by a nenek that walk bringing big bakul, i knew that she is not like any other modern people. she is not enslaved by lust or passion like most of modern man. she feels enough by that, no need to worry about how to decrease cost or increase sales margin. she is completed by knowing that she can provide for herself, and she consider a bonus if she can be useful to others. after ate that nasi ayam, tear streams down my face. its like remembering something that my parents have been taught me since i was born, and i lose it because modern world affecting me. its the feeling of enough, the feeling of grateful that i lost.
its easy to justify cowardice by goble incompleteness theorem. but most of cases, it can be prove. you love someone, you do nothing to them and take cover that you just dont know how to prove. no you lie. you know how to prove, you just choose to be either lazy or afraid.
2024-02-04
yesterday, i moved places for my rent room. it was the impulsive decision actually. like i survey it directly, and just transfer the money there. i feel like its cozy and comfortable so i just decide it fastly. i moved because its hard for me to sleep when there’s no air conditioner in semarang and my room was having a bad ventilation, so its very hot in the night, often i cant sleep. besides, my neighbor is very noisy, he often talks with his family in the middle of the night and bring his colleague to his room and it made me cant sleep well, and he’s fucking tiktok retard viewer with loud voices, i ahte him so muh, thats why i move my room.
2024-02-08
its so hard to find good problems to solve right now. what people need right now is simply aggregators and integrators.
- nutrition data integrate with e-commerce data, to generate mix menu to fulfill individual needs
- political news data-driven (table and graphs -> real stats) that influence people to be responsible buying with their own ideology
- list of indonesia owners/entrepreneur and its company
- their ideology
- historical data
2024-02-09
lets say wre going to do about the same about anything it wont just feel the same without you but honestly even im trying to figure out something it always never enough, i never remember the words on my keyboard. i couldn keep up with my hands. my brains are too slow i dont know how to make it fast, if t is easy words, theni can type it fast, but when it’s just otoo omplex, i begin too stuk, its like my life. i dont know how to make an effort, im a ocmpletely loser who breaks someone’s heart. i awlays mock someone i like so much i dont know why.
2024-02-13
its hard for me to be articulate. i have just come accross an ideas that someone who is cheating is actually has intrinsic humility or humble. i found this from crazy rich asians in the scene where a guy was cheating to his wife because his wife is more accomplished than him. he cheated with an assistant or something and i assume that woman has lower class than the guy’s wife. the wife has a successful company, donate a lot and so on. while the guy seems so stuck and then he cheated on her.
i see that phenomenan as humility, tough people might not agree with me. yes i know its mix of the loser behaviour, lack of faithfulness, and so on. but i think deep down its part of humility. the guy is too insecure, feel so stuck, feel so low, feel so undependable that makes him think that his wife is “better without me”. its implicit message, that his wife is too much too handle. she grows more than him.
and we can see connect this to statistics that man is much hypogamy where most man prefer lower class woman to make him seen as someone who is dominant. and woman is tend to be hypergamy where they prefer men that is higher class than them. its explained that woman who usually has higher education, higher wealth level, higher family background status find it hard to find male partner.
and some who is cheating is resemble this, that they are insecure about themselves, and somehow they have humility. theres a thin line between insecurity and humility. but i believe most people is good deep down inside, its just because the need of external validation, they just making it looked so fucked up. but of course some who do cheating are just really losers. i just mention that there is a humility part in them that is cheating.
actually, i just want to make my friends feel better because she’s cheated on. i just wan to cheer her up, that if she’s cheated on by his ex, it means that she is much higher than her ex. and i can prove this, because she told the woman that her ex was cheated with is uglier and more stupid than my friend. so i think i might be true.
2024-02-15
i just feel low again. yesterday i attend basketball community from my office. ithought it was just ffun game, until i realized that they play with serious. i mean its fun, but i seems so noob. last game i played basketball is when i was in high school doing class meeting where you compete with another class in school. i thought the community will have that kind of vibe. and then i realize i dont train enough basketball that makes me cant shoot properly. i feel so weak.
its not only that. its the moment where i broke my values. i dont know why i kept that value. that i need to persist salafi muslim values. and why can’t i just like my woman friends who turns remove their hijab after become so fanatical previously. why cant i be like jokowi, machaivellianism, man of contradiction. why i always have sthis sort of cognitive dissonance. i dont really understand. islam is never make sense, but i still follow islamic rules and syariat. why can’t i just stop it and do whatever i want. its like people who smoke when they realize smoking is bad. but they cant get rid of it. they dont know what is the use of somking, its just feel good, and if they dont do it. it makes them anxious. its looks the same as me. i really hate this state of mind. why cant i be like others who compromise their value. i dont understand why i need to follow this fucked up religion. fuck i dont know why i need to do this. but in deep down i foten feel like very afraid what kind kind of things i would face in the afterlife. so it makes me have this guilty, anxious, depressing. i know no one cares and no one really care that much. but the stupid things i felt until now is i often perceiev people exactly same as me. they process their mind like me. and when i look myself. i see myself as someoine whi is aware of others easily. very self aware and self conscious. even just little lie, i can detect it well. the small and little compromise, the fakeness, the superficial, the triviality. icant stand it. i dont enjoy socialize. no matter how much i try to enjoy. when i interact with others. most of that things are just superficial. what people feel as interesting, i find it so boring, meaningless, useless. it makes me feel guilty, it makes me want to kill myyself. why cant i appreciate the enthusiasm of others. why i often look down others.
because i really hate myself when i need to stand, fake myself to look interested, while actually i never care about them. it really makes me want to kill myself. i want to talk about ideas. about something that can make people questioning. what are we really. what are we doing here. and what kind of things we could create. and no matter how hard i try to think. its often goes to the same conclusion. that nothing really matter. we never know. we wont know what we dont know. the evidence is only exists in the end. we re just running towards something hell we dont know. and i am very afraid of that. i really want to kill myself. when i read carl jung notes about how his patients are killing themselves, i somehow can empathy with them and understand them. the world is beyond repair.
the efforts we try to forgive ourselves. to to try to be happy again as innocent as our child is never be achieved. when were corrupting ourselves, there’s no going bad. were just pretend that things is okay, while the truth were just pass the time, hoping the memory will forget. but for someone who remember a lot like me, because i lie a lot. its such a things that is hard to be separated from me. when we sell our soul by compromise our values, its very hard for us to comeback. our brain create a lot of connections that the only way to get out from that situation is to run from that place. and hoping no one will remember you. and the fucked up things to face is whenever the old person who knows you comeback again to you, telling you all of your memories that you tried to repressed. innocently they act as if its common things to talk too. while you spend a lot of your energy to bury that kind of memories. but no matter how hard you try to bury your memories away. the universe already kept recorded of what youhave done. so when it is said that the universe will forgive you as long as you ackonowledging that you regretted it genuinely, it somehow looks like contradiction and doesnt matter. because our human capacity cant really process that kind of phenomenon. what you could do other than to run or repressed that is you just need to become something that is not human. and must give my everything to become something that is not human, in order to do ’that’ something i dont know. something that probably will give me meaning, because in this form of human, no matter what kind of things i do, i often just dont get it. so maybe my will is not to become human. to kill myself or not to become human, whats the difference? but for now i try to become “not” human
makes no sense
they said islam is universal religion. but how fair is it when the fasting time accross different location is different