2025-02-28-let you speak through your creation

tomorrow will be ramadhan again. its hard for me to be excited again for the month like i was a kid. i think part of my rationality is still doesnt believe whether islam really provide an answers. perhaps my bias stop me realizing that maybe there is another possibility that could make find the real truth. i live next to a woman, and she and her husband seem in not really good condition financially. i kept hearing them, though i dont want to hear it. i really hate myself when i can focus on the whisper of others, and cant focus on what im really doing. i think my fate is the fate of observers. observers are perverts, they only see and hear something that is so taboo, and things that should not be seen or hear. i really want to focus, and not sensitife, but no matter how hard i try, its hard for me to focus. i tried continue my previos rent room. but it turns out it just worsen my sleep schedule, in the middle of the night, i often wake up because how noisy the door when my neighbor enter his room and put tiktok videos on his phone. i cant stand that. and i move to the new rent room with the hope i can eliminate all of those things. it turns out, the woman next to me often in the room either and make noise, and i can hear her sound. maybe i need to find more expensive rent room so i dont hear sound again. but i try to enjoy here because its cheap. i knew in terms of agency, i am so stupid.

move the topic to my work. i often feel fucked up. yesterday feels good, but now it feels like im doing too much meaningless activity. the longing of connection is fucked me up. i really longing, and miss connection so bad, but no one could really complete that. and with my own, im struggling with this loneliness. i try to look for a goal, for a bigger causes, a system that could make me better. but the silence of no one to talk about anything really make me cold. make me want to die. even without that realization i still want to die, so how could be having someone to share and connect about anything could make me feel the whole. they say loneliness is state of mind. but no matter how i try to be rational, its often break, i become burn out. lazy to start anything and end up addict to something i should have never done before.

but i try myself to better. for today i cook my own food, and pray tarawih 11 rakaat, listening to the translation of juz 30 and i could reflect towards it. surah that fit me the most in juz 30 is al humazah. it really remind me i should not be greedy and ungrateful, though i still dont know how to do it. because i never satisfy. i think never satisfy is a condition i shoul be grateful because it makes me believe that the gift of god is unlimited. its like in the heaven, i think i see that as heaven, because god has unlimited gift. so its not a greedy.

what kind of crime do you want to commit after doing so much good. most muslims after ramadhan they feel like they really to take revenge by taking the wrong doing in the idul fitr. idul fitr means to dirty yourself again because you hold yourself doing bad, and try to control yourself. after idl fitri it means you uncrontol yourself, to be dirty again, to shine again like you were never shine before. and there’s something i realize in the office.

when i imagine myself go to outdoor. god itself never speaks. i believe it speaks through it creation. and as human, i think we should strive the same.let you speak through your creation