2025-03-09

theres invitation for buka bersama event in ramadhan with coworkers. i am lazy to attend because i hate small talk and useless talks that i pretend to have interest but the truth i dont enjoy at all. on the other hand i feel fomo and wonder maybe there’s a meaningfull talk there and to bond with my friends. i dont what to do.

i dont know it seems like everything we do is simply survival biological reasons. and while i dont engage in previous activities ihave mentioned before, the truth is i need to follow that mass social activities. and by skip those kind of useless acts, i might risk the long run. the thing is i dont know whether its worth for fhe long term or not. it made hard to decide. between loneliness and try to risk for something. its hard to quantify. it tiring me snd make me confused. and i dont know whether i dont know what i want is part something that has been engineered to me, or is it a genuine reaction of me after i have been through all of these.

when i am with friends or family, i always think, i cant stop thinking. every time we try to meet, its mostly because the aim of quality time, mostly activities that give enjoyment. but for me, its very hard to enjoy something. i always haunted by the sense of urgency, by we dont have so much time in this world. it always makes me think that something that seems enjoyable is a lie, its a distraction to you from doing something that really matters. and by this kind of thinking i often avoid all of any kind of interaction. rationality is madness, because there’s no such think to quantify all of those interactions, it cant be asses, the objective risk. what we can do toward that is only to guessing, whether its something has benefit or not.

i cant talk with my family deeply. i cant trust them. and with friends, most of talk seems so superficial. but sometimes i get something that i am so underestimate about, that the impact is better actually, but its just occasionally, not very frequent. thats why i often avoid similar interactions, i prefer to be alone.

this one is toxic i think, because even when im alone, i still dont know what i really need to do, i dont know what matters. the truth is i dont really care about all of these shit. or maybe i dont care about anything because i am afraid to commit to something. i often missing out of something. when i dont engage in those kind of interactions, i see in social media, or when they talk again later, its seems i am get left behind. i foten felt that they growth too fast, and i felt i am a slow retard person.

i dont know whether this one is something i should fix or not. but deep down, i dont know whats matter. i still coward and too afraid too commit to something. previously, i was getting rushed to make a girl like me. it ended up not too well, i catch a feeling, she tried to be vulnerable to me, but im avoid that, then it became so awkward. i felt sorry for her, and i overestimate the impact of me towards her, and the truth is she has so many backup, and it broke my heart a lot. there’s too much red flags, but still it broke my heart. i dont know how i become so fragile.

people seem can enjoy and go with the flow. they seem to not overthink something like me. even the things that i find them uninterested, they simply come to that kind of activities only to spend with their phone, because what they (a few of them) want is simply a validation. they simply dont want to refuse the invitation and want to take a temporary moment to share in social media. perhaps they dont realize that they want to make other jealous of what their life or maybe they just want to show the world that they are happy people, while the truth is we dont know. and the truth is never matter. after all whats really matter is something that is material, the digital world. maybe im too pessimistic and have bad prejudice about this. but i feel like as human just lie to ourselves.

somehow i felt missing out, but somehow i feel like i am grateful im missing something that wasting my time. but deep down i dont know what i should i do next. i find it hard to commit to something to fix my schedule. i tried deactivate my twitter, and a few days letter i just migrate my addiction to reddit and facebook. like wtf with this world, it always keep me addicted. because if i dont scroll, i dont know what i should do. its too much to do, and i dont know what i really want the most. so i keep continuing working on the jobs i dont care about with people i dont admire only to survive.

after all why not, why not just doing meaningless works and activities like most people. why i try so hard to be different, perhaps this is my bias. and conversely it could be valid, too. after all, why not, why not just walking alone, trust your own intuition and always keep searching for something what really matters. what i am afraid is i become ungrateful, i become never satisfied with anything i get. perhaps i push people away of my life. how i look myself in the mirorr, how a little girls are afraid when i walk towards them, when they scream and cry seeing me try to help them giving them a torch from phone in the middle of blackout. maybe i am very scary. or maybe i am too ugly. and the ugliness of my sould, it radiates to my face, to the way i walk, to the way i met with people. i can sense the disgust from others when i simply just walk.

and tomorrow i should continue the things i have been doing. with the sense of dread. and i never lie when i said i dont want to exist anyomre. and if i find a beautiful girl that would like to double suicide with me, id be happy to end my life with her. or to become a terrorist it seems a wonderful way to die. ish kariman au mutsayhidan, they said, live nobly or die as a martyr. but how can i live as a coward, and cant find a good way to die.